Heat Exchange / Muddguts Gallery Brooklyn, NY / 2014
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust make a trade with someone you trust. Fire stack of all trades is a master of fun… Aria and Raine bring the heat, you bring the TRADE. Coming in hot with all sorts sizzling products, emitting, insinuating, and facilitating the free heat we all know and lust for. enterPRISE: redefined. Guests bring non-carcinogenic trade items--things you've been wanting to get rid of for that spring cleanse. We're going to set them on fire.
Turn this winter into a winner with some chill fervor of a youthquake. Store, trade, burn, sell aren't just verbs for a Friday night encounter.
Clientele me something I don't know. Plz join us, make a deal, weigh it, burn it, then enjoy. One transaction this winter that won't leave you with any sore spots. We've got heat so quick you'll catch a cold.
TEXT MY MUFF
Don’t miss one thumb pat in your text conversation and never go another moment with cold texting hands. We have the perfect solution. Our faux fur texting muff combines ideal screen visibility and overall coziness. With a clear vinyl feature face you can continue to text and even keep your friends up to date with selfie slews. Text assured while the fur protects your paws. Able to withstand all sorts of weather this is one thing you can’t go without next winter. Taxi geolocator and Citibike™ membership not included.
Foreskin free finger extended, circumcise your digits. Get ready to type and pencil in that dinner tonight, just peel back the yellow fleshed leather by unzipping and freeing your forefinger and thumb. Pick up the needle in the haystack, these mittens will allow. Get his digits while you warm yours. Made of the most supple construction leather, unzip and let your mittens perform like hands. Recreational consciousness expanded with each unzip. Don’t go another cold minute with the opposables exposable, zip them up after you rehash-tag. #doobie
LITTLE HOTTIES AFGHAN
Tuck yourself into heavenly hand warming bliss with this chic afghan throw. Each pod holds a one-time-use warming technology that lasts up to 8 hours. Get the little hotties in heat when you break this thing out for a picnic in the park. 135° fahrenheit will be quick to heat up any situation. The natives would have been trading back their firewater for this blanket if it was in existence during the discovery of this nation. Good thing not everything is one time use when it looks this good.
All bunged up with nowhere to blow? You have earmuffs for your ears, mittens for your hands, and a scarf for your neck, but how do you make sure your nose is accounted for? We’ve got you covered with our state of the art Wasabi Kleenex® technology. Lightly dusted with the finest wasabi compounds. These are sure to clear your sinuses as well as your conscience, unclog your chakra. They add the spicy kick to your nose blowing exhaust. Perfect for the caucasian in the room trying to bust one or burn it. Chopsticks included.
Just because you’re sick it doesn’t mean you have to give up on your panty play. Power through the sneeze-pee and red nose moments, grab a Kleenex® from the anatomically accurate leather-tipped gape. Go back to your early days of childhood, fight that fever like your mother used to and reach back to use the rectal thermometer—conveniently located in a pocket pinned between your other cheeks. From snail trail to whale tail this thong has you covered with all things flu. This is one sickness you want to catch—Thongflu™ Coming soon: Breakup Thong™
IRIE-CHANGED MY UNDERWEAR
This hat is for the free spirit on the go—filled to the brim you’ll always have a pair of underwear handy. A little pinch of Rasta with a whole lot of Juggalette. This hat is equipped with the insistent nonchalance of the bucket hat topped with the soft-serve cherry on top conviction of a yellow beanie. Discharge yourself out into the world with the confidence instilled in the faux fur sideburn detailing. Four pairs of granny panties included for that third wave feminist who only wears underwear Sunday-Wednesday. 100% cotton coverage for your 100% natural. Never put on an ice cold pair of undies—with 696 hours of scientific testing we were able to achieve the perfect cotton to knit mixture to trap your headheat. Elastic chin strap helps with those blistery days and doubles as the perfect purse strap when you’ve had that certain amount of coffee. Jamiroquai has already ordered five.
FLIP FLOP HOT SOCK
No need to tuck those flops underneath everything in your closet winter 2014-- now you can wear everyone’s favorite neo-negligent footwear all seasons. Don’t you live in the village? Take those days of icy nut broboredom and apply it to your corns like it’s Land O’Lakes™. Give your appendage cheese a cool bath. Slippery vacillations between warm and cool moisten the walls of each sock with Methyl Salicylate and Menthol absorbed into the cotton waffling. Soaked and triple distilled in the purest bath of icy/hot and topped off with faux fur cuffs. You always go gay, when you’ve BENGAY.
BUSH’S NEVERWET™ BOX
Hydrophobia never felt so dirty. Do what you will with this premium cardboard box coated with NeverWet™ and brimming with a lush landscape of baked beans. Never and wet may be two words you rarely like to see next to one another but sensuality is preserved with this baked and beautiful union. Be the hit of every party by showing up with this hyperfunctional accessory. Fill the room with the sweet aroma of legume leisure. Dip a finger, not too far. It’s easy to be full of beans about this one. All the reward, dead heat. Spill the beans while the box repels the syrup ooze. Bush’s™ re-fills sold separately.
Talk about SEAMLESS, these bean jeans are so warm you can smell the beans. Employing everyone’s favorite pant design, the Chefpants™, and taking it to lunch. Every delivery man will be equipped in year 2016. Stylish mesh set these pants aflame with flame shaped detailing that is filled to the hem with 16 ounces of black beans. Throw them in the microwave and add heat to the equation. Turn each bean into a world of warmth for 30 minutes or more. Perfect time to ride the bike or wait for your meal. Or keep the bodega boys at bay when you wear these hipaccentuating beauties. The always-accessible silhouette of an ever-ready lady. They utilize extra warmth. Be a real trailblazer with the Bean Jean,or sit at home and wait for you delivery. Coming Soon: Human flatulence conversion cargo short--turn his gas into warmth, burrito holes--becausethat thing needs to be warmed by the loins of his girth and worth.
CHANGE COMES FROM WITHIN
Open up to a new meaning of the term “alcohol blanket” and douse your eyes with this 161% alcohol content lava lamp. Your parents probably weren’t actually flower children, you just got used to telling people that in high school, but relive their would-be glory days and vibe out to the flatulence of the yellow wax. Using an upright chicken roaster as a stand, this locomotive lamp is comprised of the finest ingredients. I’ll give you my sixty cents, the stand is raised by 3 pods of four nickels, adding monetary elegance to the sleek curves, bringing a new meaning to rim job. Huddle by and keep warm while the tin can condenses 40watts of pure lightforce warmth, everything is stronger nowadays anyhow.
Look no further for the perfect scented oil warmer. Go back to the basics with this faux-rustic Brooklyn inspired incense hotplate. Incorporating cinnamon drunk ash wood from the Plaza Hotel and 750 watts of electric coil. If you’re getting low FM radio signals and you want to tap into something raw and beigely ironic then light this cinnamon soaked plank on fire. The mortal coil of oxygen that tree ate and the sun gave is re-released back into the world. Fuck the landlord, renegotiate your lease. Get along like a house on fire. Double stick that cinnamon stick in my ash.
Not enough patience for spring cleanse? Have internet but nothing to trade? We will offer a hand to those without. Welcome to bartering in the 21st century. Through the web of the net we are sending you a pre-prepared package of all things hot. Just the right html heat to bargain your day. So sit back, start your juice cleanse, and watch your inbox get stuffed.
Why should beans stop cold in the cupboard? Everyone likes the warm refuse medley that is impelled by a hot tin can full of beans on a fire. Now bring it anywhere, all you need is a lighter. This bean CANdle comes custom in your favorite variety of canned legume legacy. Sprinkled with just the right amount of popcorn kernels so that you achieve a burning bonus--freshly popped popcorn arrives with each centimeter of the wick’s singe. No reason to cause waste when you can just keep it, hoard your aspirations, let them multiply in your pantry. Show your friends that you exude povo-friendly vibes that you can’t get just anywhere.